Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day.

I remember Thanksgiving's from my childhood and the magic of the day.  Waking up to savory smells as Mama got an early start on the day's cooking.  Sitting in the floor in front of the TV watching parades.  Loading up the food and the family and heading to Grandmama and Granddaddy's.  The entire Dedmon clan gathering every year; an ever growing family and seemingly ever lasting tradition.

But, alas, life moves on. Some cousins (like me) scattered, making it harder to get home for Thanksgiving.  The Grandparents passed one by one, and the family stopped gathering for that day in November.  Mama never said, but I always suspected it made her sad.  Thanksgiving had been such an important holiday to Grandmama. I'm sure Mama missed her terribly when the day came and went without her mother.

Tomorrow will be my first Thanksgiving Day without my mother.

It's been almost nine months since Mama died.  Strange how much it hurts just to type those words.  Mama died.  But, she did.  Nine months ago.  I made it through Mother's Day without her to wish a happy day.  I made it through my birthday without her wishing me a happy day.  I'll make it through tomorrow, and I'll make it through Christmas and then New Year's, and then her birthday, and then it will be a year anniversary I never wanted to celebrate.  I'll make it through, but my god I miss her.

I've been thinking and reading about grief and dealing with loss, and there is one thing I've realized. There is no time limit on grieving.  It doesn't get easier as time goes on.  I guess it does become easier in the sense that it's no longer a raw gaping wound; once the shock wears off it's more of a dull ache -  unless you pick at it too much and find it's every bit as raw as it was 9 months ago.  The months following her passing, I was so busy that I told myself I didn't have time to give into grieving, and I still don't feel like I've actually fully grieved.  I'm not even sure what that means, or what I think I need.  Maybe to curl into a ball and cry for a week, a month, a year...?  But who has time for that?  I give in to tiny cries (usually when I'm driving) then tell myself to suck it up and dry it up.  I'm a busy lady, with things to do and people to see.  But, inside I'm a little girl who just misses her mama.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I will be thankful.

But, tonight I'm going to cry for my Grandparents. Tonight I'm going to cry for my cousin who chose to leave this world on a Thanksgiving Day.  Tonight I'm going to cry for the family ties that were once so much tighter.  Tonight I'm going to cry for my Mama.  Tonight I'm going to cry...

Tomorrow I will wake up and cook so there are savory smells to smell in the house.  Tomorrow I'll watch a parade. I'll talk to my Daddy and my brothers. I'll make my Happy Thanksgiving social media posts. I'll have dinner with friends. Tomorrow I'll smile. Tomorrow I'll be thankful for all of those family Thanksgiving memories.  Tomorrow I'll be thankful that I have loved and been loved enough to hurt for those I've lost. Tomorrow I will remember my Mama and be happy that I had her as long as I did.  Tomorrow I will be thankful.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day.

Why Are We So Angry?

Something happened to me this morning and I can't stop thinking about it.  I saw something on social media, Facebook, and I was so troubled by what I read; so disheartened by the words of a few people, that I lashed out at a whole town.  A town that I call home.  A town full of people that I love.  A town that is reeling and hurting.  I denied my hometown and I am ashamed.  I worry that I offended people and I am sorry.  I let a few haters color my perspective, change my mood and affect my behavior; and for that I am deeply troubled.

I've been thinking about the nature of negativity and anger.  We seem to be an angry people these days.  We are quick to offend and easily offended.  We watch our leaders attack each other verbally, and we tune into news broadcasts which seem to thrive on keeping us angry.

I read an article a while ago titled, "I Lost My Father To Fox News."  The writer claimed that his father, a once reasonable man, had spent so many hours listening to the rhetoric of hate and anger spewed by Fox News that he had turned into an angry, frustrated man with whom it was impossible to have a logical, reasonable conversation.  If you know me very well, you know how I feel about Fox News, so you can imagine how tickled I was with that story.  I quoted it and used it as ammunition against the faux news channel.  But, this morning as I sat in my bed watching CNN and finding myself filled with righteous indignation over some teaser story or other, I realized that it's not just Fox News...it's all of them.  Some are more blatant and obvious about it, but it does in fact seem that the media thrives on keeping us angry.

Today I watch as the newscasters debate some story of social significance, taking different sides and actually yelling and getting worked up to make their respective points.  They bring in experts who speak in circles and try to sound smarter than the other expert, they argue their points, they make sarcastic comments to and about each other and anyone who doesn't agree with them.  I watch the anchor actually pound his fist on the desk to emphasize how angry he is about the subject at hand.  

With the report of the fist banging still echoing, the same anchor turns his body slightly to look into another camera, the angry grimace melting magically into an ingratiating smile as he announces, "Up next - Do you like dark or milk chocolate and what does that say about your personality?  We'll be back after the break," and the camera pans out as that same group of newscasters, so adamant just moments ago, now debate what kind of chocolate they prefer.  No wonder we are angry.

It's troubling to me how quickly people are to jump on social media to spread some message that is sure to offend or even incite, without even checking the facts.  People share and spread memes, blogs and articles without verifying the sources or confirming the truth.  Why are folks so quick to jump on the anger band wagon?  Why does it seem we are looking for a reason to get mad?  Why do our news media engines feel the need to feed and fan the fires of that anger?  Who benefits from so much anger?

Maybe it's time to try something different.  Instead of letting them get us worked up, turn them off, tune them out, and turn up the love.  Turn up positive thoughts and good deeds.  Make only positive posts and loving comments on social media.  Turn off the violent television shows and movies.  Turn on loving conversation with family and friends.  Turn off gossip.  Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you.  The greatest thing in this world is to love and be loved in return.  Give and receive so much love that there is no room in your heart or your world for anger or hate.

I am making a vow right now to think more positive thoughts and kick out negativity and anger.

Won't you join me?  Let's all work together to bring more love, light, joy and peace into the world.

Turn off anger, turn on love.

What are your thoughts on stopping negativity and spreading more love in the world?

Reasoning With A Three Year Old

I recently spent the evening with some friends of mine who have a three old daughter, and I had a bit of an epiphany that I haven’t been able to clear from my mind. The mouths of babes and all, as they say, but this was more of a self realization based on the actions of a toddler.

The Mom and Little Girl and I were hanging out in the living area of the house, while the guys sequestered themselves in another room for music studio recording. Not the ideal situation, but the guy is a master at recording and producing, and a Dad, so you work with what you got. During critical moments of recording, a very daunting task fell to Mom and me…that of keeping a three old quiet. An excited three old who wanted to be right where the adults were and who didn’t want to miss a thing. An excited three old, who, upon being told she must be quiet just got more and more excited, louder and louder.

At one point, Mom tells Little Girl that she can play her racing car video game (YES, a 3 year old is playing a racing car video game, and pretty darn well, I might add! She is a smart little thing.) But, Mom tells her, she must play without sound. To which Little Girl replies, “But I want sound.” To which Mom replies, “But you can’t have sound.” Little Girl says, “But I want sound.” Mom says, “Buy you can’t have sound.” “But I want sound.” “But you can’t have sound.” “But I want sound.” “But you can’t have sound.”  "But I want sound."  And so it went… and it would have gone on all night except Mom, in her logical Mom wisdom, gave Little Girl the alternative distraction of watching a movie back in her room, with sound.

What I realized as I watched this interplay between child and parent, and what I continued to ruminate on over the next days, was that I think my brain is a three year old. Well, not my brain. My brain is fine, I suppose, it’s more my reasoning functions that remind me of the little girl. When I find myself in a situation where I have to deny myself, sacrifice something I really want, I find myself in a battle of wills with myself similar to that of Mom and Little Girl and the video game sound. My logical self says, “You can’t have that.” The selfish little girl in me says, “But I want it.” Logical self says, “But you can’t have it.” Little girl self, “But I want it.” “But you can’t have it.” “But I want it.” “But you can’t have it.” “But I want it.” And so on and on and on and on, infinitely with no end and no logical mom distraction, until I don’t know whether to scream or to give in to the little brat so she will just shut the hell up.