Put on your big girl panties...

Sometimes it just sucks to have to be a grown up.  I tend to think I'm a super woman, but today I had to admit my limitations.  After many tears this morning, I had to admit to myself, and then to my girls, that I am physically not able to make DIVA Fest this week.  The only way to make it work would be pushing the drive up and back in one shot deals, almost 12 hours of driving each way, and cutting it down to just a few days.  That wouldn't give enough days to recover from the long drives, not to mention not allowing any time at home to pack and prepare the house to leave next Monday and be gone for a month.  It just isn't physically possible.  But, I can't believe I'm missing our 10th Anniversary.  So, I'll cry a little more...ok, probably cry a lot more; then probably get drunk...ok, I will definitely get drunk.  But I will do the responsible thing and admit that I am needed for other purposes this summer and I'll do what needs to be done and then life can get back to normal.

Staying home this week is the right thing to do for Scott too.  He has been so sweet insisting he wanted me to get the girl time in before everything started in Boston.  But, I really wasn't feeling right about leaving him all alone during his last week at home.  I feel much better about being home with him this week.

So, I'll pull up my big girl panties and be a damn grown up.
I'll be missing my girls this week; I'll miss dancing to the DIVA anthem. See you next year beautiful DIVA's!  All I wanna do is have some fun...

Please Come To Boston

“Please come to Boston for the springtime.”

Well, she might have said no, but yours truly will be going to Boston for the spring and summer.  Well, at least I hope it is springtime when I get up there.  When I was there at the end of April it was still wintertime.  Surely by the end of May it will be springtime.  Surely.  Maybe even summertime.

“Please come to Boston, she said no.”  I’ve always wondered about that song.  I mean, come on….

“We’ll move up into the mountains so far we can’t be found

And throw ‘I love you’ echoes down the canyon

And then lie awake at night until they come back around”

That’s one of the most romantic lines I’ve ever heard.  How could anybody say no to that?

____

  

Scott has insisted that I go to DIVA Fest next week.  He’s going up to Boston for another quick two night trip by himself.  I felt like I should have canceled the DIVA trip altogether, but he made a pretty big fuss over it.  But I am cutting it short.  Just feel like time is precious.  Especially healthy time.  He might be pretty sick before the treatment is over, and I feel like I need to be with him and help him make the most of every minute. 

Pretty much as soon as I get back, we will be packing the car, shutting up the house and hitting the road.  All three of us as far as Atlanta.  We will be leaving SugarBear in Atlanta with his foster family.
I’m going to miss that cat.  He has become the sweetest, funniest cat I’ve ever known.

I know that leaving him in a stable loving home for a few months is the best thing for him, but damn I’m really going to miss him.  And I worry that he will think he’s been abandoned again.  Poor little guy.  But it just wouldn’t be fair to subject him to the uncertainty of Boston.  And we will eventually end up in the Hope Lodge and they don’t allow pets anyway.  I know SugarBear will be fine, but it’s been a hard decision.  It’s going to be a weird summer, but then our life will get back to normal.

It should be interesting driving all the way to Boston.  I’ll be seeing country I’ve never seen.   It will be a lot of time on the road.  All by myself on the way back.  

I really hope the time in Boston is fun as it can be.  At least the first few weeks Scott should still be feeling pretty good, so I hope to spend time exploring the city.  His treatments will be every day, but only for 30 minutes or so, I think.  Looks like there will be plenty to keep us busy the rest of the time.

So, “Please come to Boston.”  

What else can I do but go to Boston?

“Now this drifter’s world goes ‘round and ‘round

And I doubt that it’s ever gonna to stop

But of all the dreams I’ve lost or found

And all that I ain’t got

I still need to lean to

Somebody I can sing to”

____

I Cry

I cry

Sometimes I cry

For you for me

What could have been, what might could be

I cry

Sometimes I cry

For him for her

For dreams denied, for what comes after

Tears drown reason

Regardless of season

You used to hate winter

Now you go on a bender

Meet each day in a daze

In an alcohol haze

I’m not gonna lie

Sometimes I cry

The future’s uncertain

Ignore the man behind the curtain

Home is yours indeed

If life gives you what you need

A heart or courage or a brain

The scene plays out again and again

Ask and you shall receive

See there’s nothing up my sleeve

Tears may be a blessing

A special kind of cleansing

You know you should embrace it

Admit you never could replace it

But at the end of the day

I got one thing to say

And I’m not gonna lie

Sometimes I cry

I cry

Sometimes I cry

For you for me

What could have been, what might could be

I cry

Sometimes I cry

For him for her

For dreams denied, for what comes after

I cry

___

Faith, Hope and Love

I just had an epiphany regarding the nature of faith.  I have to admit that I associated the idea of faith strictly with faith in god and, not being a religious person, never gave it much thought.  But, I think I now realize that faith doesn't have to be in god or a higher power or in anything specific.

Faith is simply believing.  Not just believing, but knowing.  Knowing in your heart that what you hope for will come to be.

My previous posts have been about hope.  Hope is something to look forward to, hope makes life worth living.  I think that faith is belief in hope; faith gives hope a chance.  I've said that hope is where the heart is. Then I think maybe faith is where the soul is.  If hope can make a heart soar, faith gives wings to the soul itself.

And love, well love...  "Now Faith, Hope and Love remain, these three things, and the greatest of these is love."

Several years ago I was asked by a therapist to write a short essay on what love meant to me.  It was a tough assignment.  I thought I would share.

What is Love?

How do you describe love?  Romantic love.  Poets, songwriters, authors and philosophers have tried for years to put words to the feeling of love. 

 “Love is a many splendored thing.” 

“Love lifts us up where we belong.”

“All you need is love.” 

“Love makes the world go ‘round.” 

“How do I love thee, let me count the ways.”

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

“The greatest thing in this world is to love and to be loved in return.”

I worried over this little project for days before I even started trying to write anything.  I began with the question “What is love?”  I puzzled over this, and every time I thought I had an answer, it was simply how love made me feel, or how it made me behave.  This soon made me realize that I don’t know how to define love itself; I can only describe what it means to me.  And, perhaps in doing so, it will help me come to a better understanding of the thing itself.

Loving someone means that I put their happiness above my own.  I realize that recent events may seem to imply the opposite.  But, hurting someone you love as a result of your own selfish or foolish actions, or even as a result of decisions they wish you hadn’t made, is not the same as intentionally causing them pain.  But, the heart is a precious thing, and loving someone, giving them your heart, requires so much trust.  If someone trusts you with theirs, and you accept it, you take the responsibility to protect it, to cherish it.

Loving someone means that I want the best for them.  The best of health, happiness, success…

Truly loving someone means loving them for who they are, accepting and loving everything about them, and not wanting to change them, not wishing they were different somehow.

Loving someone makes me want to be a better person.  Makes me want to be a person they would be proud to love, proud to be with. 

Of course, on the selfish side, I want to love and be loved by someone who makes me feel good about myself; someone who gives me positive energy, someone who shows me love and affection.  Someone who accepts and loves me for who and what I am and doesn’t want to change me or wish I was something I’m not.  I want to be cherished.

“Shouldn’t I have this, shouldn’t I have this?  Shouldn’t I have all of this, and passionate kisses… passionate kisses from you?”

Loving someone is so much more than physical, but physical attraction is important.  Beauty seen through the eyes of love creates a physical attraction that goes so far beyond simple lust. 

Loving someone is a physical chemistry, like electricity…their touch is like feeling that spark you feel when you shuffle your feet across the carpet in winter and then touch something metal.  Meeting their eyes across a room causes my heart to skip a beat.  The thought of their touch makes me shiver, makes my private parts flutter.

So, what is love to me?  Love is what keeps me from just being another lonely person living a solitary life.  Love connects me.  Love completes me.

I didn't write this next part, but I just saw it and thought it was so perfect I had to steal it.

Hope Is Where The Heart Is (2)

After writing the previous post, I have spent a lot of time thinking about my old friend Lisa.  It may seem funny that I am looking for hope from someone who didn't survive their battle.  Lisa was one of the best, most positive people I have ever known.  To this day, thoughts of her are accompanied by a soundtrack of Billy Joel singing "Only the good die young."  She inspired love and hope in everyone who met her.  When she was at Vanderbilt Hospital for leukemia treatment, she was an inspiration to every single person who came in contact with her.  The doctors and nurses would spend time in her room when they needed cheering up.  Even as they prepared her for the bone marrow transplant surgery from which she wouldn't wake, she was so full of hope and encouragement to everyone around her.  So, yes, I still look to her for hope and encouragement now, knowing that was perhaps her purpose in this life.  I still think about her and miss her, but I know what she would tell me if she was here today.  She would tell me to have an open heart, to love and to HOPE, always.


I've also been spending a lot of time thinking about how this "C" word has actually been more a part of my life than I was giving it credit for.  But, I also realized that my experiences have really been more positive than otherwise, so I find even more reason for hope.  Within my group of girl friends there are 2 breast cancer survivors.  One of those lovely ladies only recently completed her ordeal and came out the other end a survivor, complete with the most amazing positive attitude and love of life I have ever seen, along with a beautiful head of soft curly hair and the new "girls!"  The other wonderful breast cancer survivor is married to a colon cancer survivor, now both in their 70's and healthy and cancer free.


I love that word, "survivor."


While we are drowning in bureaucratic red tape this week, I know that Scott will soon be in the best hands possible.  It really is criminal how the insurance companies and so called medical specialists make you wait and fight, fight and wait, and go round and round before the proper approvals, tests and results can be scheduled and forwarded to the right places... all before the poor patient even gets to talk to the "experts."  All made even more difficult by the fact that said patient is probably scared, a little freaked out and extremely anxious to start getting answers and a plan of action for treatment. 


But, one fight at a time.  I have promised to keep Suzi Bitch under control and only let her off the leash when she is really needed.  My primary role needs to be companion and play mate, and focus on giving Scott something to hope for and look forward to.  I will also learn to be a better nurse/care giver.  If you know me, you know that is not my natural proclivity.  Poor Scott is so patient as I fumble my way through wound care and bandaging...I am getting better every day!  At least I can make him laugh with my inadequacies.  If I can keep him laughing then I am doing ok.


So, as long as we can fight our way through all the sticky tape this week, things get real next week.  The experts are ready and waiting for him at:
http://www2.massgeneral.org/chordoma/


This time next week, hopefully we will be in Boston getting answers and making a plan.  Scott will be a survivor.  I have no doubt.  I have HOPE.  Because HOPE IS WHERE THE HEART IS!

----

Hope Is Where The Heart Is

It seems the "C" word has come into my life.  I consider myself fortunate that I haven't been forced to become more intimate with the hated word so far in my 47 years.  I lost a friend and a grandfather to leukemia, and just lost a good friend/fellow DIVA very recently to what may or may not have been cancer...I really don't think they know what took sweet DIVA Sue, it was just sudden and tragic.  And, Dad had prostate cancer 5 years ago.  While it was big and scary at the time, surgery and some basically simple follow up treatment has left him cancer free and healthy.  As a matter of fact, I just got back from moving him and my mom into a new place and helping set them up for the next phase of their life.  So, while it has certainly touched my life, I hoped to never be on a first name basis with any type of "C."

Count your blessings when you can, because life can change in the blink of an eye.

The same week that I was rejoicing in the fact that my parents were finally in a better place, both physically and financially, and the fact that I wouldn't have to spend so much energy helping them and worrying about them, Scott's doctor calls and uses the "C" word.  Well, actually he used a completely unfamiliar "C" word, Chordoma, which Google revealed to be the damned dreaded hated familiar "C" word.

Now, as I begin to prepare myself for this next phase of our lives, trying to study and learn and figure out how to keep Scott positive and happy, I don't seem to have words.  The last words from my old friend and co-worker, Lisa Parker, who was lost to leukemia when she was only 32 years old have been echoing in my head.  So, for now, I will borrow words from someone so much stronger than me until I can come up with my own. 

Lisa's Journal Entry, 8/24/01 - "I have always been a big believer in P.M.A. (Positive Mental Attitude.)  ...It really works.  There are so many people that complain about things and go through life mad.  Those are the people that have it made and just don't know it.  I think that the happiest and most appreciative people in this world are the ones who have experienced trials and tribulations.  And the reason for that is they have known the greatest emotion of all... HOPE!  HOPE IS WHERE THE HEART IS!  If we don't have hope, then we have nothing to look forward to.  And can you imagine what kind of life we would have if there were nothing to look forward to?"

He will beat this and we will make it through to the other side and have a long and happy life ahead of us.  I know and believe that.  I have to.  I have to hope.  Because hope is where the heart is. 

----

Cliche's

My head is spinning round and round

Feet can’t seem to find solid ground

Old clichés cross my mind

How did I end up here this time?

Torn between two lovers or should I stay or should I go

Forsaking all others and don’t forget I told you so

Keep the promise for better or worse

Hope the words don’t become a curse

Love honor and obey

Keep pretending everything’s okay

Or cut the cord or sever the ties and admit it was already broke

Your actions speak louder than any words you ever spoke

My head is spinning like a top

Out of control can’t make it stop

Old clichés beat at my brain

Play themselves out again and again

Torn between two lovers or should I stay or should I go

Forsaking all others and don’t forget I told you so

It’s the classic story of the pot and the kettle

One calls it responsible and one calls it settle

Both holding on to what’s left of the love

But neither forgiving or sorry enough

So break the bonds admit defeat and finally take off the rings

After that it’s just about splitting up the things

My heart is breaking I’m petrified

Paying the price for having lied

Old clichés fill up my mind

I know exactly how I got here this time

Torn between two lovers and you can’t always get what you want

A rose is a rose and how in the hell do you eat an elephant

Torn between two lovers, best friends and into the mystic

I will always love you and never lose the magic

Torn between two lovers or should I stay or should I go

Forsaking all others and don’t forget I told you so

Old clichés cloud my mind

How did I end up here this time?

____

Fallen Angel

I heard a story ‘bout a girl

Who wanted to live in the world

Being an angel, you see

Just ain’t all it’s cracked up to be 

With legs that refuse to run

Lips that won’t carry a tune

Eyes that can’t seem to cry

And wings that forgot how to fly 

If heaven just ain’t enough

And you’d trade it all for love

Cut your wings down to a stump

And then you just have to jump 

Get a good running start

Jumping’s the easiest part

Let go and learn to forgive

The hard part is learning to live 

And she stands on the edge and says I have to try

Since you cut off my wings I’m not even sure I can fly

But if I jump on my own I might have a chance to survive

More than survive I might even end up alive 

More than survive, I might have a chance to end up alive

My halo fell from my head

It’s down around my feet instead

Shiny shackles are starting to rust

Tarnished metal will one day be dust


And she stands on the edge and says I have to try

Since you cut off my wings I’m not even sure I can fly

But if I jump on my own I might have a chance to survive

More than survive I might even end up alive 

More than survive, I might have a chance to end up alive

I heard a story ‘bout a girl

Who wanted to live in the world

Being an angel, you see

Just ain’t all it’s cracked up to be

My new song

Word Dancing

You hear what you want to hear

Filter my words with your own fear

You run when he comes near

I hear your silence loud and clear



We both live in our own mind

Looking for peace we never find

Life can be so unkind

I always feel one step behind

Can’t you just be happy for me?

I’m just trying to get my arms around me

Desperately trying to hold my breath

Living my life scared to death

If you happen to see a smile on my face

I’m sure there’s a line of a tear you can trace

But if you care so much about me

Can’t you just be happy for me?

Voice so cold it breaks my heart

Wall so thick can’t tear it apart

Word dancing is an art

Words withheld when teardrops start

Broken down trying to be tough

And anchored down by too much stuff

Might drown if seas get rough

Maybe love just ain’t enough

Can’t you just be happy for me?

I’m just trying to get my arms around me

Desperately trying to catch my breath

Living my life scared to death

If you happen to see a smile on my face

I’m sure there’s a line of a tear you can trace

But if you care so much about me

Can’t you just be happy for me?

Word dancing

Spin me round and round the floor

Word dancing

Always leave me wanting more

Word dancing

Spin my head, spin me around

Word dancing

Send me spiraling down

Why can’t you just say what you mean?

Why can’t you be happy for me?

Why can’t you just say what you mean?

Why can’t you be happy for me?

If you care so much about me

Can't you just be happy for me?

The Matriarch

I am woman

I am strong

Hard as I need to be

Soft as I can be

Without falling apart

Or breaking my heart

Mother, Matriarch, bitch

I’ll take the part, accept the script

Do what needs to be done

Knowing I’m the only one

Who’ll play the role

Who’ll pay the toll

Call me mother

Call me Matriarch

Call me bitch

I don’t care which

Those who will

And those who won’t

I can’t sit by

Can’t let sleeping dogs lie

If I cry when I’m alone

Or sometimes wish them gone

If the happy face slips

Or the smile leaves my lips

Nobody knows but me

Nobody knows me

So call me mother

Call me Matriarch

Call me bitch

I don’t care which

I know that I’m the only one

Who’ll do what needs to be done

I’ll play the role

I’ll pay the toll

Call me mother

Call me Matriarch

Call me bitch

I don’t care which

Thanksgiving

This is from my old Myspace blog, written in November of 2008.  I woke up this morning thinking about my grandparents and all my family and remembered writing this the year we lost Grandmother.  Thought I would share.  Embrace, enjoy and appreciate your family today and every single day.

 

Thanksgiving

Current mood:nostalgic

Another Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone, and now we begin the countdown to yet another Christmas and another new year. I have been thinking a lot about my family...thinking about the distances that separate us and the inevitablity of change.

If you have followed my blogs, you have already heard about my grandparents who lived in the country in rural north Georgia and opened their home to their hordes of grandchildren each summer. That same home was also the Thanksgiving gathering place for about as long as I can remember. My mother was one of 5 siblings, and between them all they produced 13 children of their own. We were quite a large clan!

For most of my life, none of the family lived more than a 3 hour drive from the grandparents house. And so it was that every single Thanksgiving Day, bar none, the entire family gathered for the day at the old home place. Grandmother would cook the turkey and dressing and everyone else would bring food. We would have so much food! There would be stories and jokes (my uncles were not called the kings of corn for nothing!) The afternoon would usually devolve into the annual football game (or the Turkey bowl as we called it) which was my least favorite part of the day....partly because I just never liked sports much, but mostly because it usually ended up with somebody fighting or crying (not always the kids!) Granddaddy would end up napping in his recliner pretending to watch football on the tv while the ladies drank coffee and cleaned the kitchen, and the kids played and hoped the day would never end.

I moved away from that area 11 years ago this month. Over those years, Scott and I have only made it back up for Thanksgiving twice. But, even though I wasn't there each year, there was something about knowing that my family had something special that most families don't share these days. We lost Granddaddy about 8 years ago, but still the family gathered for Thanksgiving. Grandmother was bed-ridden for the last 3 years, but still they gathered. Again, if you have followed my blogs, you know that we lost Grandmother in July of this year. And, it seems that finally, with the passing of the matriarch, so also came the passing of the family tradition.

This year, the family did not gather. A tradition has ended.

I worried about my mom and her first Thanksgiving with no living parents and no tradition to fall back on. We tried very hard to get Mom & Dad to come down here for a tropical Thanksgiving Day. I thought that if things were changing anyway, perhaps it would be easier for her if it was something totally different. But, they didn't come. Mom is still coming to terms with her Parkinson's diagnosis and just wasn't up to travelling. And, we made so many trips up there last year, we just couldn't justify going up. At least my parents were able to spend the day with my brother Ken and his family there in Chattanooga. We spoke with them all on the phone, wished them a happy holiday, exchanged loving words and, so, life goes on.

I know that the next generation will never gather in the same way. I realized that fact at my grandmothers funeral. I looked around at all of the cousins I was once so close to and it hit me that we might not ever be all together that way again. The ties that bound have started to loosen and fray.
I'm not so much sad, just wanted to acknowledge the passing of something special. I didn't write this poem, but it does seem appropriate.

The Old-Fashioned Thanksgiving

(Edgar Albert Guest, 1881-1959)

It may be I am getting old and like too much to dwell
Upon the days of bygone years, the days I loved so well;
But thinking of them now I wish somehow that I could know
A simple old Thanksgiving Day, like those of long ago,
When all the family gathered round a table richly spread,
With little Jamie at the foot and grandpa at the head,
The youngest of us all to greet the oldest with a smile,
With mother running in and out and laughing all the while.


It may be I'm old-fashioned, but it seems to me to-day
We're too much bent on having fun to take the time to pray;
Each little family grows up with fashions of its own;
It lives within a world itself and wants to be alone.

It has its special pleasures, its circle, too, of friends;
There are no get-together days; each one his journey wends,
Pursuing what he likes the best in his particular way,
Letting the others do the same upon Thanksgiving Day.


I like the olden way the best, when relatives were glad
To meet the way they used to do when I was but a lad;
The old home was a rendezvous for all our kith and kin,
And whether living far or near they all came trooping in
With shouts of "Hello, daddy!" as they fairly stormed the place
And made a rush for mother, who would stop to wipe her face
Upon her gingham apron before she kissed them all,
Hugging them proudly to her breast, the grownups and the small.


Then laughter rang throughout the home, and, Oh, the jokes they told;
From Boston, Frank brought new ones, but father sprang the old;
All afternoon we chatted, telling what we hoped to do,
The struggles we were making and the hardships we'd gone through;
We gathered round the fireside.
How fast the hours would fly--
It seemed before we'd settled down 'twas time to say good-bye.

Those were the glad Thanksgivings, the old-time families knew
When relatives could still be friends and every heart was true.

Reasoning With A Three Year Old

I recently spent the evening with some friends of mine who have a three old daughter, and I had a bit of an epiphany that I haven’t been able to clear from my mind. The mouths of babes and all, as they say, but this was more of a self realization based on the actions of a toddler.

The Mom and Little Girl and I were hanging out in the living area of the house, while the guys sequestered themselves in another room for music studio recording. Not the ideal situation, but the guy is a master at recording and producing, and a Dad, so you work with what you got. During critical moments of recording, a very daunting task fell to Mom and me…that of keeping a three old quiet. An excited three old who wanted to be right where the adults were and who didn’t want to miss a thing. An excited three old, who, upon being told she must be quiet just got more and more excited, louder and louder.

At one point, Mom tells Little Girl that she can play her racing car video game (YES, a 3 year old is playing a racing car video game, and pretty darn well, I might add! She is a smart little thing.) But, Mom tells her, she must play without sound. To which Little Girl replies, “But I want sound.” To which Mom replies, “But you can’t have sound.” Little Girl says, “But I want sound.” Mom says, “Buy you can’t have sound.” “But I want sound.” “But you can’t have sound.” “But I want sound.” “But you can’t have sound.”  "But I want sound."  And so it went… and it would have gone on all night except Mom, in her logical Mom wisdom, gave Little Girl the alternative distraction of watching a movie back in her room, with sound.

What I realized as I watched this interplay between child and parent, and what I continued to ruminate on over the next days, was that I think my brain is a three year old. Well, not my brain. My brain is fine, I suppose, it’s more my reasoning functions that remind me of the little girl. When I find myself in a situation where I have to deny myself, sacrifice something I really want, I find myself in a battle of wills with myself similar to that of Mom and Little Girl and the video game sound. My logical self says, “You can’t have that.” The selfish little girl in me says, “But I want it.” Logical self says, “But you can’t have it.” Little girl self, “But I want it.” “But you can’t have it.” “But I want it.” “But you can’t have it.” “But I want it.” And so on and on and on and on, infinitely with no end and no logical mom distraction, until I don’t know whether to scream or to give in to the little brat so she will just shut the hell up.

Baby Steps

Baby steps
Little at a time
Baby steps
You used to be mine

Crawling forward
It's all I can do
Crawling forward
To prove it to you

Baby steps
What is the cost?
Baby steps
What have I lost?

Crawling forward
Can this love last?
Crawling forward
So much in the past

Baby steps
Not gonna pretend
Baby steps
To keep my best friend

She Gets It All

She made a plan
Tracked down the man
She made a call
And risked it all
Telling herself she wasn’t in the wrong
But knew what she was doing all along

Because she always gets her way
Always has the last word to say
Nobody saw that she was headed for a fall
Because she always gets it all

She played it cool
Played him a fool
Looked in his eyes
And told him lies
She thought she could keep him on a string
Thought he would never know a thing

Because she always gets her way
Always has the last word to say
Nobody saw that she was headed for a fall
Because she always gets it all

She blames whiskey
Pleads insanity                   (She had her fun)
Played the wrong card
Let down her guard            (What’s done is done)
She blames whiskey
Pleads insanity                   (She had her fun)
Played the wrong hand
Played the wrong man        (He was the one)

She’s on her knees
She begs and pleads
Now everyday
She’ll have to pay
Holding on to the fickle hand of fate
She won’t let go, too little or too late

Because she always gets her way
Always has the last word to say
Nobody saw that she was headed for a fall
Because she always gets it all

Lovesick

I close my eyes and see your face
Every line of you my mind can trace
My fingers ache to feel your skin
My body begs for the bed you're in

I need your eyes to look at me
Reflecting back all the love you see
I long to feel your lips on mine
Need to hold you tight until the end of time

I'm sick in love but there is a cure
That's one thing that I know for sure
These lovesick blues would blow away
If I could hold you in my arms today

I hear your voice and it makes me smile
I'll hold that sound in my head for a while
I want to bring you laughs and love
Give you everything you're dreaming of

I can feel your hands caress my skin
Don't know where I end and you begin
Our arms and legs so intertwined
Tangled up in sheets and love combined

I'm sick in love but there is a cure
That's one thing that I know for sure
These lovesick blues would blow away
If I could hold you in my arms today

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Mind, Body and Soul

So, I'm sitting here waiting on you to make up your mind

I'm sitting here waiting on you and running out of time

'Cause I won't settle for part of you, I want you whole

Gotta have you mind, body and soul

I got this crazy idea that you and me baby

We got what it takes

I got this crazy idea that you and me honey

We got what it takes

We've got what it takes to make a great life together

Lovers, soulmates, best friends forever

We've got the tools to show them all how it's done

We'll show them how two can be one

But I won't settle for part of you, I want you whole

Gotta have you mind, body and soul

It might not even be the same as it used to be

But I feel like part of you has been fused to me

Now one of us is never complete without the other

We vow to never retreat but never smother

We've got the tools to show them all how it's done

We'll show them how two can be one

I got this crazy idea that you and me baby

We got what it takes

I got this crazy idea that you and me honey

We got what it takes

We've got what it takes to make a great life together

Lovers, soulmates, best friends forever

We've got the tools to show them all how it's done

We'll show them how two can be one

But I won't settle for part of you, I want you whole

Gotta have you mind, body and soul

Gotta have you mind, body and soul

Gotta have you mind, body and soul

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Broken Pieces

I reached for you last night in bed
The way you used to like me to
You turned away from me instead
Today I’m sad, alone and blue

Broken pieces lying on the floor
Broken hearts walking out the door
I don’t think you want me like you did before
Don’t think I put the need in you anymore

Last week we emptied the wine rack
And bashed a hole in your guitar
Wish we knew how to put it back
We never meant to start a war

Broken pieces lying on the floor
Broken hearts walking out the door
I don’t think you want me like you did before
Don’t think I put the need in you anymore

I have a heavy heart
I have a worried mind
I have a funny feeling that
You’re no longer mine
I have a heavy heart
I have a worried mind
I have a funny feeling that
I’ve really lost you this time

I reached for you last night in bed
The way you used to like me to
You turned away from me instead
Today I’m sad, alone and blue

Broken pieces lying on the floor
Broken hearts walking out the door
I don’t think you want me like you did before
Don’t think I put the need in you anymore

Playing With A Wild Manatee

Since moving to the Florida Keys, and especially since becoming a boater on the Florida Bay, I have had the chance to see an abundance of wildlife including birds, dolphins, sharks and manatees. Scott and I once followed the progress of a pair of osprey and their young…from the building of the nest to the one surviving youngling attempting to take his first flight. We once witnessed a wild dolphin show complete with jumps and twists like something you would see at Sea World. But my most memorable wildlife encounter to date was the time a manatee stopped by to play with us.

We were onboard Idle Hours, anchored in Sunspotz Cove. It had been a great tie-up party earlier in the day. Three other boats had joined us and we had been swimming and playing all day. It was late afternoon and everyone else had left. Scott and I decided to stay and swim just a little longer and catch the sunset. It was a beautiful evening. I was getting us each a drink and preparing to join Scott in the water when I noticed what appeared to be a very large gray rock immediately underneath him. Just as I was saying to him, “Hey Scott, I don’t remember that big rock…” a manatee surfaced and I shouted, “There is a manatee right behind you!”

At this point in the story, I probably should have gotten the camera. Instead, I sat down the drinks, grabbed my noodle chair and quietly climbed down the ladder into the water. Meanwhile, after allowing Scott to scratch it’s back, the manatee had gone back under the water but had not swum off. As I floated toward Scott, suddenly I was face to face with the manatee and as he blew out his surfacing breath, I could smell his bad breath! Of course, I began scratching and petting him. Scott did the same. We just floated there in our noodle chairs, hugging and rubbing on this manatee. At one point he flipped over and presented his belly for us to scratch and rub. He stayed there with us for about ten minutes, and then he swam several circles around us before lazily swimming off. He didn’t want food or water he just wanted to play! It was magical!

Bicycle Follies

So, I'm waking up on Saturday morning, a little hungover from the Full Moon party the night before. Scott's already gone, but bless his heart, he left me hot coffee in the carafe. He left before 8 a.m. for Cheeca Lodge to set up for their Earth Day celebration. After our late night, I hoped he wasn't feeling as bad as I was. But, I remembered he had been working most of the night and hadn't drunk as much as I had. Even so, I knew he was worn out…I was feeling for him.

Donna called and we commiserated with each other and blamed Pierre's chocolate martinis AGAIN. They hurt us every time but we keep drinking them because they are just so damned good. Between the two of us, we piece together all the events of the party the night before. "The fireworks were great." "Did I see the fireworks?...oh yeah! I remember, they were awesome!" Stuff like that.

I hang up and decide to go for a bike ride. It's a glorious day and I think it would make me feel better to get some fresh air and some exercise. Fully sun-screened, I put two bottles of water in a small cooler and place cooler, cell phone and house keys in my bike basket and off I go.

The bike path is finally open to the north so I decide to go that direction. The day is absolutely beautiful, a nice breeze blowing and very little traffic on the bike path. After a while I stop in the shade for a drink of water and check the time. I've been riding almost 30 minutes and I wanted to ride an hour, so it's almost time to turn around. I ride just a little further up the path, and then make a leisurely turn to head back the other way. As I turn, my front wheel goes off the path and hits some loose gravel. You know that feeling when you are falling and it seems like slow motion? It was like that. I knew the bike was going down, almost caught it, then went right down on my knee. In coral gravel.

I got up immediately, thinking, "Whew, that could have been bad, I'm glad I wasn't hurt." Then I look down at my knee. Then I pull the walnut sized piece of gravel out of my knee. It's kind of numb and doesn't start to bleed, so I tell myself it is fine and get back on the bike and start riding south. After a few seconds I look down and there is blood running into my shoe. I say, "F**k, f**k, f**k, f**k…" and on like that for a few more seconds, then think, "What am I going to do?" I'm still 30 minutes from home and I have a huge bleeding hole in my knee.

As I pass the Key Lime Products store at MM95, I decide there really is no other choice, so I pull my bike up to the door and go in. I walk up to the counter and ask the woman working there if I could trouble her for a paper towel and kind of gesture toward my leg. She looks down, gasps, then hands me several paper towels and offers the use of her bathroom. I thank her profusely and take her up on it. In the bathroom I take a good look. It is pretty bad. The skin is actually curled under inside the gash…it looks really weird. I wash it as best I can with soap and paper towels and sort of get the bleeding stopped.

When I walk out of the bathroom, the lady working there is waiting and offers me a band-aid (I can't believe I didn't get her name. She was so nice. I intend to go back and thank her and buy something! They have really cute stuff…if you are local, go buy something from them.) There were two woman sitting having coffee at the counter and one of them says how it must hurt. I say, "You know, it looks like it should, but it is actually numb." Then I say (just to gage their reaction really,) "I'm wondering if I need stitches." They all agree that I probably do. Damn.

There is really nothing to do but get back on the bike and ride home. I knew I could call Steve or Donna and they would come get me, but it didn't seem that bad. As I'm riding, the band-aid starts to come off. I have to keep reaching down and patting it to keep it stuck on. Other than the mantra of "F**k, f**k, f**k…," the ride is kind of a blur. I was so mad at myself and so not looking forward to the prospect of an emergency room visit.

I finally make it home and have a chance to really look at my knee. I try to tell myself that I just need to get it cleaned up and maybe it's not as bad as it looks. Then I realize there seems to be bits of gravel embedded in the raw skin. Then I pull the folded skin out of the cut and stop what I'm doing immediately, grab my purse and keys and head to the hospital.

It was my very first time as a patient in an emergency room. Luckily they were not busy and they took me in right away. The doctor came in and said, "We're going to numb it up, clean it up, then sew it up." And that's what he did. Once he numbed it with tiny needle pricks all around my knee, which did hurt a little, I watched him clean it out. Whatever he used to numb it was amazing. The wound was immediately numb. He pulled up the flap and used tweezers to pull quite a lot of gravel and coral pieces out, and I didn't feel a thing. Then he squirted liquid into it and washed it good, then started stitching. I had never watched anyone stitch me up before…it was kind of fascinating. (It's funny how the mind works. As I watched him sew my skin, I was thinking of movies I've seen where the hero stitches up his own wounds, and how I didn't think that was something I could ever do.)

The topic of bicycle accidents was readily discussed by everyone I encountered during my visit at the hospital. From the receptionist, two different nurses (including a really cute male nurse who bandaged me up!) to the doctor himself, I heard horror stories of bike accidents. The most common apparently is being hit by a car. It seems that happens a lot here in the Keys. Also, the doctor had some funny stories of people who were riding their bike because they were too drunk to drive. According to him, the law is cracking down on biking under the influence. Of course the doctor asked me if I wore a helmet and of course I said no, although I might be considering knee pads after this.

Seven stitches later, a bandage on my knee and a band-aid on my shoulder from the tetanus shot, I was headed to CVS with an antibiotic prescription. The doctor thought with the sheer amount of gravel and dust he found that both the tetanus shot and the antibiotics were necessary. Later, finally at home settled on the couch, I had time to reflect that my day had certainly not gone the way I had expected. But, my hangover was gone.

Movie Reviews

A few winters ago, Scott and I were both sick with the flu for almost 10 days. Since we didn’t feel up to doing anything except lay on the couch, we watched a lot of movies. Thankfully, Scott wasn’t quite as sick as me and he was actually able to drag himself to Blockbuster every few days to keep us in entertainment. Don’t get me wrong, he was pretty sick himself. But, if left to my own devices, I would have been stuck with mindless TV or staring at the ceiling. I was one sick girl.

We did watch a lot of movies during those 10 days, so in an effort to just keep them all straight in my own head, once I started feeling a little better I began writing down the highlights. It ended up as a sort of movie review which I thought my friends might enjoy. Perhaps someone can benefit from our many hours of movie viewing. I have considered trying to continue some sort of movie review column in my blog, because even when we are healthy, Scott and I do watch a lot of movies. Let me know if you find these helpful at all, and if you would like for me to continue giving my thoughts on Hollywood's creations for your consideration...

The Amateurs –
This is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a while. With chests full of congestion we had agreed to avoid comedies because it hurt to laugh. Scott came home with this one not really knowing much about it except that a group of guys set out to make an amateur porno movie…how funny could that be? Oh my god. The cast includes some of my favorite actors: Jeff Bridges, Tim Blake Nelson, William Fichtner, Joe Pantoliano (Joey Pants) and Ted Danson (who plays the homosexual friend pretending to be a macho man.) The running narration by Jeff Bridges is funny by itself. Don’t miss a word because it’s all hilarious. This is my favorite Jeff Bridges role since The Dude. From their friends nicknames like "Some Idiot" and Moose, to the 2 inseparable guys named Mo and Ron who they call "MoRon," the running dialog is full of cliché’s and porn terminology that will have you holding your sides laughing.

American Gangster –
I thought this was a really good movie. Denzel Washington was wonderful. He played the tough but smart mob boss very believably. Russell Crow was good too as the gritty determined cop. His Jersey accent kind of came and went, but otherwise I was quite impressed with him. It was one of those movies where you are pulling for both the good guy and the bad guy at the same time because both have good and bad qualities, and the true "bad guy" may not be who you think.

Beowulf-
This movie is visually stunning. The "animation" was original and really gave a quality to the movie it wouldn’t have had if it had just been filmed normally. I love Anthony Hopkins, and he played the crude disgusting king Hrothgar fantastically. Robin Wright Penn was beautiful as always, animated or not, and played the sad, resigned queen very well. Ray Winstone was Beowulf. I can’t say I know him, even though he has apparently been around for quite a while, but hubba hubba…As the young and virile warrior, he looked amazing. And, speaking of looking amazing, Angelina Jolie as Grendel’s mother, fully nude and slightly animated was breathtaking. John Malkovich rounds out the all-star cast. If you don’t expect it to follow the exact story line of the classic tale, you won’t be disappointed with this film.

The Darjeeling Limited-
Of all the movies we watched this week, I think this was my favorite. It is very quirky and off the wall, one of those movies you either love or hate. Owen Wilson is fantastic. Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman are both very good too. They play brothers trying to re-connect one year after the death of their father and disappearance of their mother. But there is so much more going on. The dialog between the three is hilarious, and their bumbling attempts to find spirituality in India is so farcical and yet so deep at the same time. They finally meet up with Mom, played by Angelica Huston, who is wonderful as always. This movie is funny, touching and thought provoking…I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Fido-
This was probably the biggest surprise of the week for me. Those of you who know me know that I do not do "eat brains" movies. I almost vetoed it when Scott brought it home, but I’m so glad I gave it a chance. If you’ve seen "The Night of the Living Dead" this movie picks up as a sort of sequel to it. People still turn in to zombies when they die, but society has discovered how to control and even domesticate the zombies. The premise is so ridiculous, and what little bit of blood and brain and flesh eating shown is so light and silly, even I wasn’t grossed out. Carrie Ann Moss was a happy surprise, as was Tim Blake Nelson with his zombie "girlfriend." Billy Connolly plays Fido, the zombie with the heart of gold. I highly recommend this one.

The 40 Year Old Virgin-
We missed this one when it came out a while back. I knew it would be cute, but really expected it to be more stupid than funny. I laughed so hard! This is a really good movie. Steve Carell is great. I love Catherine Keener and thought her part was fantastic. The situations that this poor guy’s friends get him into are so funny. But, it is also heart-warming and has a good message. I very much enjoyed it.

Letters From Iwo Jima-
This is the story of the battle of Iwo Jima, but told from the perspective of the Japanese. I’m not a big war movie fan, but this was very well done. It was an interesting feeling finding myself thinking of the Americans as the enemies and pulling for the Japanese hero. I think that was the point of the movie, to show that there are human beings on both sides in war, which is very poignant and appropriate even today. There is a scene where the Japanese soldiers choose to kill themselves instead of retreating, which was hard for me to fathom, and prompted my fevered exclamation of "stupid Japanese!" Overall, I thought this was an excellent movie.

Michael Clayton-
I’m a big George Clooney fan, and this movie does not disappoint. We did watch this one when I was in the worst moments of my sickness and fever, so parts of it are a little dreamy to me. I will probably give it another watch later on to catch more of the nuances. But, the plot is very good and the acting superb. I thought Clooney’s portrayal of the burnt out "janitor" was excellent. He plays a "fixer" for a large law firm, handling dirty jobs and cleaning up messes for the firm. He gets involved in one of the largest class action suits the firm has handled, and starts to find out things he was never supposed to know…things that could bring the firms client down, as well as endanger his career and his very life. Watching him struggle with doing the right thing, amid a host of other problems in his personal life, was very well done.

Slipstream-
Anthony Hopkins wrote, directed and starred in this film, and I’m such a huge fan of his I was determined to love it. But, this was my least favorite movie of the week. I found it very disjointed and hard to follow. I realize it was supposed to be chaotic, and maybe I just didn’t really get it. Basically, Anthony Hopkins is a screen play writer and the lines between reality and the movie he is writing start to blur. Pretty good premise, and a good supporting cast including Christian Slater, Michael Clarke Duncan and John Turturro, but I just found it too confusing to really be enjoyable.

Summer of ’42-
This is a classic old movie from 1971 that I had never seen. It’s a coming of age story of a 15 year boy. It starts out showing the innocence of 3 young boys spending the summer on Nantucket Island in 1942. Like normal 15 year old boys, they are obsessed with sex, but know basically nothing about it. The more mature of the 3 is also obsessed with a young woman on the island whose husband has just gone off to war. One of the boys steals a book from his parents’ library that has graphic pictures and they try to educate themselves with it. One of the boys is very immature and can’t handle it, but the other 2 set out to use their newly found knowledge. Without spoiling anything, suffice it to say that they both lose their virginity that summer, with very different results. One "gets laid" and one becomes a man. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed this movie.

Death At A Funeral-
I really enjoyed this movie. It is very English and set at a funeral, as the title implies. It centers around a family at the funeral of the family patriarch...innocent enough, but then things start to go wrong. Starting when one of the nieces gives her fiancé what she thinks is a valium from her brothers apartment, only to find out that said brother is a pharmacist in training and making tailored hallucinogenic drugs. The fiancé, Alan Tudyk (known to many of us as Wash from Firefly) thinks he is losing his mind as he begins to seriously trip on the way to the funeral. Then the midget shows up (sorry, I almost didn’t write a review on this movie because I knew I would have to write about the midget…"little person" just doesn’t have the same comedic ring, so I’m going with midget, pc or not)…anyway, then the midget shows up and announces to the sons that he was their fathers gay lover and demands money or he will tell the whole family, and he has pictures to prove it. I was literally laughing out loud as these events, and many others, including the bathroom scene with the old crotchety uncle you just know is going to die on the toilet, unfolded in hilarity. From director Frank Oz, I highly recommend this movie.

No Country For Old Men-This is a Coen Brothers movie, so I’ll just say that, like all of their movies, I need to see it again to truly appreciate it. I don’t know what it is about their movies, but both their comedies and their darker movies need more than one viewing to really "get it." In a nutshell, a hunter stumbles across a drug deal gone very wrong. The drug dealers have all killed each other and he finds $2 million dollars in cash and a truck full of heroin. He takes the money. Through a series of unfortunate events, a hit man looking for the drug money finds out who took it and begins to hunt him down, killing anyone and everyone who gets in his way. Javier Bardem, who plays the hit man, is fantastic. This character is a very bad man, but there is something about him that is hard to fathom. It’s as if he feels no remorse or guilt over what he does, but then you see tears in his eyes and the strangest look of sadness or fear when he thinks he will be forced to kill the sheriff, played by Tommy Lee Jones. I found Bardem’s acting very impressive, not so sure about Tommy Lee Jones. I will stop now and just say that I very much enjoyed this movie, certainly recommend, and will definitely watch again.

Bee Movie-
Very funny! This animated movie has an all-star cast of voices and is just plain funny. The jokes are great. The story is pretty good, and the animation is fine, and it is just funny. Some of the animated movies have been disappointing lately, but this one does not disappoint. The cast includes Jerry Seinfeld, Renee Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, Patrick Warburton, John Goodman, Chris Rock (who plays the mosquito who teaches Barry B. how to hitch rides on the windshields of cars without being killed in the process) and so many more. There is even a Larry King Bee, and Sting playing himself and having to explain to the bees what makes him "sting." This movie is a must see.